Part 1
Part 1-8 of "Evocation and furniture: A demon's Fetish"
LINE OF AGGRO
STORM member #32434546788214LMNOP: You take the long hallway, I got the slightly longer hallway.
STORM member #65467667757883843894QQQP: Check!
STORM member #65643%$^%&^&455: Boss! Where do you want me?
STORM member #32434546788214LMNOP: You take the slightly shorter hallway and loop back into the hallway that connects with the hallway.
STORM member #65643%$^%&^&455: Such brilliance! Such Strategy! No wonder we’re uber!
STORM member #32434546788214LMNOP (/legshake): Please stop humping my leg,
STORM member #65643%$^%&^&455.
STORM member #65643%$^%&^&455: No.
STORM member #0U81250654404234789767865675678240567896546863296 53289564789: PHAT LEWT!!
And with that cry, the blood running through the Den Smugglers veins froze.
(in the longer hallway….no not that one, the other one…you know, the one with the bathroom)
Den Brute Smuggler (banging on the wall next to the bathroom): Den Veteran Smuggler are you almost done in there? I’ve been waiting for….well about three months.
Den Veteran Smuggler: Listen! It’s bad enough this bathroom doesn’t have a door without some Atrox Brute bothering me every two minutes. You really need to (grunts can be hearing, followed by a sound of flatulence) start eating some binding foods, you know that? Like mashed potatoes! My mother ate *makes straining sound* mashed potatoes for like 27 years every day and never once did she use the bathroom!
Den Brute Smuggler: Yeah and didn’t your mother die of an intestinal blockage too? All the nanobots on Rubi Ka couldn’t chew through that. And you’re one to talk! You’re practically on a first name basis with the toilet!
Den Veteran Smuggler: I’m….brushing my teeth. Now go away.
Den Brute Smuggler: That’s it, I’m going to come in there. Storm is in the building and in about three minutes we’ll all be dead, stripped of our clothes. I’d really like to empty out this Bronto Burger TM before I die. I saved in Newland and we all know what the neutrals do to the bathrooms in Newland (shudders). I think all that fence sitting might explain their bowel issues.
Den Veteran Smuggler: Or maybe the fact they’ve been given the shaft too many times might explain those loose bowel movements? /fblock
Den Brute Smuggler: Now that’s obscene!
Den Veteran Smuggler: Hey! I meant with tokens and all…
Den Brute Smuggler: Erm, aren’t we neutral too?
Den Veteran Smuggler: …..
Den Brute Smuggler: ……
Den Brute Smuggler: LET ME IN THE BATHROOM FOR MOCHAM’S SAKE ALREADY!!!!
Den Veteran Smuggler: Well it’s not as easy as that. My pants are NODROP. How am I supposed to use the bathroom with NODROP pants?
Meanwhile……
Thedeacon: DEAD? WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘DEAD’????
Belamorte: Well, I mean there was a time that he was like moving and stuff and he moved real cool too, had this head bobbing action kinda like Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder (attempts to mimic Metaphysical Demon by floating from side to side).
Thedeacon: And now?
Belamorte: He er, doesn’t move as much. Or at all. But um, see me Deacon? Look at me! I can be just like Metaphysical Demon! (starts bobbing back and forth again, attempting to appear menacing).
Thedeacon: What kind of world is this! A minion of hell just got his ass kicked by the Bronto Burger Chef! Belamorte, am I doomed to suck FOREVER?
Flashforward 8 month later…..
Thedeacon: 188 MP LFG!!! 188 MP LFG!!!! Oh God, am I doomed to suck forever???
Belamorte: Deacon, I’m going to give you the same answer I gave you eight months ago when you asked me the same question….
Flackbackwards 8 months ago…..
Belamorte: the likelihood of you sucking forever is more than 100%. I’d say there’s about a 168.5% chance that you will completely suck leet balls for the rest of your career and will mostly be used as a personal buff machine for ungrateful noobs….
Thedeacon: Never! Metaphysicists are Funcom’s love children! They would never let us suck forever!
Belamorte: Let’s hear your opinion on that 8 months from now….
Thedeacon: Now that you got Metaphysical Demon killed, what are we supposed to do? How am I supposed to get better armor now?
Superslang: Heh. Did I heh hear someone heh mention heh heh armor? Heh.
Thedeacon (turns around to see a small Opifex man with chunks of…something growing from a prune-like head): Dude, you ‘re a whole lot of ugly. You have armor for sale or something?
Superslang: Heh, yup. Heh, it’s heh called heh Carbonum. Heh. Latest stuff on the market heh, it’s all the heh rage.
Heh.
Thedeacon: Why do you keep saying---
Superslang: Heh.
Thedeacon: That!
Superslang: Heh.
Thedeacon: What’s with the---
Superslang: Heh.
Thedeacon: THAT!
Superslang: Heh, what?
Thedeacon: Stop saying that!
Superslang: saying what?
Thedeacon: ‘Heh’
Superslang: Heh.
Thedeacon: Heh
Belamorte: Heh
Superslang: Heh heh heh
Thedeacon: Heh heh hm heh
Belamorte: Heh hm huh heh. That was cool Beavis
Superslang: Heh
Thedeacon: ENOUGH! Now about this armor. How do we know it’s any good? If it’s so great, why aren’t you wearing it?
Superslang: Heh, because my armor is made out of money. My gun is made out of money too (holds up his shotgun). And it fires pure money projectiles. My house is made out of money as well.
Thedeacon: Um, this is 30,000 years into the future. All money is electronic, there is no paper or coin money.
Superslang: Heh, they ran out of numbers in my bank account, so they made real money just for me heh.
Thedeacon sneezes and Superslang hands him a 3 million credit bill. Thedeacon examines the bill to find a portrait of Superslang on the front with the words “In Slaggie we trust. Heh.” printed above the picture.
Superslang: You can wipe the nanoboogers from your nose with that. Heh.
Thedeacon: So about this ‘Carbonum’ armor? How much does it cost?
Superslang: How much do you have?
Thedeacon: I have---
Superslang: That’s the exact amount heh! I’ll take it all. Heh.
Thedeacon hands Superslang all of his money and in return is handed a bag, crafted from the finest money, containing 7 pieces of brown armor.
Thedeacon (peering into the bag): Hey, brown is definitely NOT my color!
Belamorte: Too late Deacon. He’s gone.
Thedeacon: Fekk.
Belamorte: He wanted me to give you a message though…
Thedeacon: Message? Give it to me.
Belamorte: ‘Heh’.
Thedeacon: …..I didn’t even get a receipt!
Belamorte (poking into the bag with his tentacle and retrieving a small white piece of paper): Sure you did! It says “Heh”.
Meanwhile in the main room of Smuggler’s Den, outside Ash Anderson’s office…..
Storm member #3587675896754 (pulling the pants off a dead smuggler): PH4T L3WT! I got pants! Pants!
Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: Pants? Hey I need pants! Give those to me!
Storm member #3587675896754: Sure man, you got it! …Only…..I can’t….
Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: You can’t? what do you mean?
Storm member #3587675896754: They’re nodrop.
Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: Nodrop?
Storm member #3587675896754: Yeah. Sorry bro.
Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: Don’t be ridiculous. Just….put them on the damn floor or something.
Storm member #3587675896754 (still clutching tightly to the pants): I….I….I can’t do it. Nodrop is nodrop.
Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: That makes absolutely no damned sense whatsoever. They are PANTS man, PANTS! If you can’t drop your pants, how in the world would you ever take them to the Laundromat?
Storm member #3587675896754 (grimacing as he takes a long wiff of the soiled MK2 pants): I don’t think these guys ever considered that….
Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: Well then explain to me how the smuggler dropped his NODROP pants?
Storm member #3587675896754: They possess technology far beyond what us mere mortals are able to comprehend..
Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: I’m not talking to you anymore.
Storm member #3587675896754 (frowning at the squishy noise the pants make as he slips then over his legs)
Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: Woah! Could you PLEASE get naked somewhere else? The last thing I need to see is your juicy Atrox butt. And what else is that in your underwear…..cabbage??? Well that explains how a unisex Atrox has such a huge package….
Storm member #3587675896754: SHHHH!!!! Listen, I’m a bit sensitive about the (/adjust /adjust) cabbage!
Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: Remind not to have anymore of your cole slaw (shudders)
Storm member #3587675896754: Hey these pants are pretty neat! They add no only health, but more NCU!
Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: More NCU? But how? I mean, where could an NCU chip possibly fit in those pants? There’s no pockets or anything.
Storm member #3587675896754: Well let’s just say I don’t need that cabbage anymore….
Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: DUDE!
Meanwhile, inside Ash Anderson’s office……
Den Veteran Smuggler (walking counterclockwise): Do you hear that Ash? Do you hear what I hear?
Ash Anderson (singing melodically, yet a bit slurred): Said the night wind to the little lamb.
Den Veteran Smuggler: Little lamb? Ash, put down the liquor, I’m talking about those Stormers raiding our home! Do you see what I see?
Ash Anderson: Way up in the sky, little lamb.
Den Veteran Smuggler: Again with the little lamb? THERE ARE NO LAMBS OR MAGICAL PONIES HERE! DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?
Ash Anderson (knocking over the empty bottle of Hit-The-Floor-Jack as he rises to his feet, arms outstretched, singing in a rich tenor voice): A star, a star, dancing in the night
With a tail as big as a kite
With a tail as big as a kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite
Den Veteran Smuggler (cocking her head knowingly, a smile forming behind her Augmented Nano Armor helmet): Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy,
‘do you hear what I hear?’
Ash Anderson: Ringing through the sky, shepherd boy,
Den Veteran Smuggler: Do you hear what I hear?
Ash Anderson: A song, a song, high above the trees
With a voice as big as the sea
Den Veteran Smuggler: With a voice as big as the sea
In the main room of Smuggler’s Den, outside Ash Anderson’s office (AKA: in the next damn room)……
Storm member #3587675896754: Do you hear what I hear?
Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343 (shaking a Den Adamant Hound from his arm, blood spilling freely from the open wound): Said the night wind to the little lamb.
Den Adamant Hound (letting the bleeding arm go and cocking a canine ear, listening): woof woof woof woof WOOF woof woof woof woooOOooof.
Back in Ash Anderson’s office……
Ash Anderson (rolling up the sleeves of his white gown): I see now what must be done. It’s time to open up a can of whupass out there.
Den Veteran Smuggler: Right on boss! Just please, while you’re fighting, don’t start rambling on about the mantises in the basement, It’s a bit unnerving and it makes no sense to---
Ash Anderson: Hush up woman. It’s Hammertime!
Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: Man, it got quiet in here fast. Ever get that feeling like---
Attacked by Ash Anderson
Ash Anderson bursts through his office door like the Kool-Aid man in a white dress
Storm member #3587675896754: Woah! That dude looks exactly like--
Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: Stand back, I can take this dress wearing sissy!
Ash Anderson’s damage shield hit you for 1000 points of damage
Ash Anderson hit you for 600 points of damage
Ash Anderson hit you for 800 points of damage
Ash Anderson’s damage shield hit you for 1000 points of damage
Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: For the love of all that’s holy, not the jewels again!
Ash Anderson hit you for 600 points of damage
Ash Anderson hit you for 800 points of damage
Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: ACK! You seem to like those!
Ash Anderson’s damage shield hit you for 1000 points of damage
Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: I’d like to have kids someday!
Ash Anderson hit you for 600 points of damage
Ash Anderson hit you for 800 points of damage
Storm member ##3587675896754: JESUS MOCHAM CHRIST!! IT’S SUPERSLANG! You’re getting your ass kicked by Superslang! Throw money at him to distract him while we run away!
Ash Andersen: Good. I trust you are ready then:
Ash Anderson’s damage shield hit you for 1000 points of damage
Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: NOT READY! NOT READYYYYY!!!!
Ash Andersen: There are a bunch of mantises in the caves below the Smuggler's Den. It's our own fault, really, we created the problem, but we need someone to clear them out. It's not like we can call on the help of any official groups around here, so we have to trust this to anyone who's willing to go in and help us out.
Ash Anderson hit you for 600 points of damage
Ash Anderson hit you for 800 points of damage
Ash Anderson’s damage shield hit you for 1000 points of damage
Storm member ##3587675896754: WTF is this guy talking about? He’s kicking our asses and blabbering on about Mantises?
Ash Anderson hit you for 800 points of damage
Ash Anderson hit you for INSANE points of damage
Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: HEAL ME! HEAL MEEEEEEEEE!
Ash Andersen: Anything you find in there is yours for the taking. I imagine there's quite a bit of useful stuff down there. I appreciate any help you can give.
Storm member ##3587675896754: Oh my god, he’s coming after ME now!
Ash Andersen: Good. I trust you are ready then….