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Thread: PART TWO OF "A Tale of Two Smugglers"

  1. #1

    PART TWO OF "A Tale of Two Smugglers"

    Part 1

    Part 1-8 of "Evocation and furniture: A demon's Fetish"

    LINE OF AGGRO


    STORM member #32434546788214LMNOP: You take the long hallway, I got the slightly longer hallway.

    STORM member #65467667757883843894QQQP: Check!

    STORM member #65643%$^%&^&455: Boss! Where do you want me?

    STORM member #32434546788214LMNOP: You take the slightly shorter hallway and loop back into the hallway that connects with the hallway.

    STORM member #65643%$^%&^&455: Such brilliance! Such Strategy! No wonder we’re uber!

    STORM member #32434546788214LMNOP (/legshake): Please stop humping my leg,
    STORM member #65643%$^%&^&455.

    STORM member #65643%$^%&^&455: No.

    STORM member #0U81250654404234789767865675678240567896546863296 53289564789: PHAT LEWT!!

    And with that cry, the blood running through the Den Smugglers veins froze.

    (in the longer hallway….no not that one, the other one…you know, the one with the bathroom)

    Den Brute Smuggler (banging on the wall next to the bathroom): Den Veteran Smuggler are you almost done in there? I’ve been waiting for….well about three months.

    Den Veteran Smuggler: Listen! It’s bad enough this bathroom doesn’t have a door without some Atrox Brute bothering me every two minutes. You really need to (grunts can be hearing, followed by a sound of flatulence) start eating some binding foods, you know that? Like mashed potatoes! My mother ate *makes straining sound* mashed potatoes for like 27 years every day and never once did she use the bathroom!

    Den Brute Smuggler: Yeah and didn’t your mother die of an intestinal blockage too? All the nanobots on Rubi Ka couldn’t chew through that. And you’re one to talk! You’re practically on a first name basis with the toilet!

    Den Veteran Smuggler: I’m….brushing my teeth. Now go away.

    Den Brute Smuggler: That’s it, I’m going to come in there. Storm is in the building and in about three minutes we’ll all be dead, stripped of our clothes. I’d really like to empty out this Bronto Burger TM before I die. I saved in Newland and we all know what the neutrals do to the bathrooms in Newland (shudders). I think all that fence sitting might explain their bowel issues.

    Den Veteran Smuggler: Or maybe the fact they’ve been given the shaft too many times might explain those loose bowel movements? /fblock

    Den Brute Smuggler: Now that’s obscene!

    Den Veteran Smuggler: Hey! I meant with tokens and all…

    Den Brute Smuggler: Erm, aren’t we neutral too?

    Den Veteran Smuggler: …..

    Den Brute Smuggler: ……

    Den Brute Smuggler: LET ME IN THE BATHROOM FOR MOCHAM’S SAKE ALREADY!!!!

    Den Veteran Smuggler: Well it’s not as easy as that. My pants are NODROP. How am I supposed to use the bathroom with NODROP pants?

    Meanwhile……

    Thedeacon: DEAD? WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘DEAD’????

    Belamorte: Well, I mean there was a time that he was like moving and stuff and he moved real cool too, had this head bobbing action kinda like Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder (attempts to mimic Metaphysical Demon by floating from side to side).

    Thedeacon: And now?

    Belamorte: He er, doesn’t move as much. Or at all. But um, see me Deacon? Look at me! I can be just like Metaphysical Demon! (starts bobbing back and forth again, attempting to appear menacing).

    Thedeacon: What kind of world is this! A minion of hell just got his ass kicked by the Bronto Burger Chef! Belamorte, am I doomed to suck FOREVER?

    Flashforward 8 month later…..

    Thedeacon: 188 MP LFG!!! 188 MP LFG!!!! Oh God, am I doomed to suck forever???

    Belamorte: Deacon, I’m going to give you the same answer I gave you eight months ago when you asked me the same question….

    Flackbackwards 8 months ago…..

    Belamorte: the likelihood of you sucking forever is more than 100%. I’d say there’s about a 168.5% chance that you will completely suck leet balls for the rest of your career and will mostly be used as a personal buff machine for ungrateful noobs….

    Thedeacon: Never! Metaphysicists are Funcom’s love children! They would never let us suck forever!

    Belamorte: Let’s hear your opinion on that 8 months from now….

    Thedeacon: Now that you got Metaphysical Demon killed, what are we supposed to do? How am I supposed to get better armor now?

    Superslang: Heh. Did I heh hear someone heh mention heh heh armor? Heh.

    Thedeacon (turns around to see a small Opifex man with chunks of…something growing from a prune-like head): Dude, you ‘re a whole lot of ugly. You have armor for sale or something?

    Superslang: Heh, yup. Heh, it’s heh called heh Carbonum. Heh. Latest stuff on the market heh, it’s all the heh rage.

    Heh.

    Thedeacon: Why do you keep saying---

    Superslang: Heh.

    Thedeacon: That!

    Superslang: Heh.

    Thedeacon: What’s with the---

    Superslang: Heh.

    Thedeacon: THAT!

    Superslang: Heh, what?

    Thedeacon: Stop saying that!

    Superslang: saying what?

    Thedeacon: ‘Heh’

    Superslang: Heh.

    Thedeacon: Heh

    Belamorte: Heh

    Superslang: Heh heh heh

    Thedeacon: Heh heh hm heh

    Belamorte: Heh hm huh heh. That was cool Beavis

    Superslang: Heh

    Thedeacon: ENOUGH! Now about this armor. How do we know it’s any good? If it’s so great, why aren’t you wearing it?

    Superslang: Heh, because my armor is made out of money. My gun is made out of money too (holds up his shotgun). And it fires pure money projectiles. My house is made out of money as well.

    Thedeacon: Um, this is 30,000 years into the future. All money is electronic, there is no paper or coin money.

    Superslang: Heh, they ran out of numbers in my bank account, so they made real money just for me heh.

    Thedeacon sneezes and Superslang hands him a 3 million credit bill. Thedeacon examines the bill to find a portrait of Superslang on the front with the words “In Slaggie we trust. Heh.” printed above the picture.

    Superslang: You can wipe the nanoboogers from your nose with that. Heh.

    Thedeacon: So about this ‘Carbonum’ armor? How much does it cost?

    Superslang: How much do you have?

    Thedeacon: I have---

    Superslang: That’s the exact amount heh! I’ll take it all. Heh.

    Thedeacon hands Superslang all of his money and in return is handed a bag, crafted from the finest money, containing 7 pieces of brown armor.

    Thedeacon (peering into the bag): Hey, brown is definitely NOT my color!

    Belamorte: Too late Deacon. He’s gone.

    Thedeacon: Fekk.

    Belamorte: He wanted me to give you a message though…

    Thedeacon: Message? Give it to me.

    Belamorte: ‘Heh’.

    Thedeacon: …..I didn’t even get a receipt!

    Belamorte (poking into the bag with his tentacle and retrieving a small white piece of paper): Sure you did! It says “Heh”.


    Meanwhile in the main room of Smuggler’s Den, outside Ash Anderson’s office…..

    Storm member #3587675896754 (pulling the pants off a dead smuggler): PH4T L3WT! I got pants! Pants!

    Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: Pants? Hey I need pants! Give those to me!

    Storm member #3587675896754: Sure man, you got it! …Only…..I can’t….

    Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: You can’t? what do you mean?

    Storm member #3587675896754: They’re nodrop.

    Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: Nodrop?

    Storm member #3587675896754: Yeah. Sorry bro.

    Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: Don’t be ridiculous. Just….put them on the damn floor or something.

    Storm member #3587675896754 (still clutching tightly to the pants): I….I….I can’t do it. Nodrop is nodrop.

    Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: That makes absolutely no damned sense whatsoever. They are PANTS man, PANTS! If you can’t drop your pants, how in the world would you ever take them to the Laundromat?

    Storm member #3587675896754 (grimacing as he takes a long wiff of the soiled MK2 pants): I don’t think these guys ever considered that….

    Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: Well then explain to me how the smuggler dropped his NODROP pants?

    Storm member #3587675896754: They possess technology far beyond what us mere mortals are able to comprehend..

    Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: I’m not talking to you anymore.

    Storm member #3587675896754 (frowning at the squishy noise the pants make as he slips then over his legs)

    Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: Woah! Could you PLEASE get naked somewhere else? The last thing I need to see is your juicy Atrox butt. And what else is that in your underwear…..cabbage??? Well that explains how a unisex Atrox has such a huge package….

    Storm member #3587675896754: SHHHH!!!! Listen, I’m a bit sensitive about the (/adjust /adjust) cabbage!

    Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: Remind not to have anymore of your cole slaw (shudders)

    Storm member #3587675896754: Hey these pants are pretty neat! They add no only health, but more NCU!

    Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: More NCU? But how? I mean, where could an NCU chip possibly fit in those pants? There’s no pockets or anything.

    Storm member #3587675896754: Well let’s just say I don’t need that cabbage anymore….

    Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: DUDE!


    Meanwhile, inside Ash Anderson’s office……

    Den Veteran Smuggler (walking counterclockwise): Do you hear that Ash? Do you hear what I hear?

    Ash Anderson (singing melodically, yet a bit slurred): Said the night wind to the little lamb.

    Den Veteran Smuggler: Little lamb? Ash, put down the liquor, I’m talking about those Stormers raiding our home! Do you see what I see?

    Ash Anderson: Way up in the sky, little lamb.

    Den Veteran Smuggler: Again with the little lamb? THERE ARE NO LAMBS OR MAGICAL PONIES HERE! DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?

    Ash Anderson (knocking over the empty bottle of Hit-The-Floor-Jack as he rises to his feet, arms outstretched, singing in a rich tenor voice): A star, a star, dancing in the night
    With a tail as big as a kite
    With a tail as big as a kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite

    Den Veteran Smuggler (cocking her head knowingly, a smile forming behind her Augmented Nano Armor helmet): Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy,
    ‘do you hear what I hear?’

    Ash Anderson: Ringing through the sky, shepherd boy,

    Den Veteran Smuggler: Do you hear what I hear?

    Ash Anderson: A song, a song, high above the trees

    With a voice as big as the sea

    Den Veteran Smuggler: With a voice as big as the sea

    In the main room of Smuggler’s Den, outside Ash Anderson’s office (AKA: in the next damn room)……

    Storm member #3587675896754: Do you hear what I hear?
    Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343 (shaking a Den Adamant Hound from his arm, blood spilling freely from the open wound): Said the night wind to the little lamb.

    Den Adamant Hound (letting the bleeding arm go and cocking a canine ear, listening): woof woof woof woof WOOF woof woof woof woooOOooof.

    Back in Ash Anderson’s office……

    Ash Anderson (rolling up the sleeves of his white gown): I see now what must be done. It’s time to open up a can of whupass out there.

    Den Veteran Smuggler: Right on boss! Just please, while you’re fighting, don’t start rambling on about the mantises in the basement, It’s a bit unnerving and it makes no sense to---

    Ash Anderson: Hush up woman. It’s Hammertime!

    Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: Man, it got quiet in here fast. Ever get that feeling like---

    Attacked by Ash Anderson

    Ash Anderson bursts through his office door like the Kool-Aid man in a white dress

    Storm member #3587675896754: Woah! That dude looks exactly like--

    Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: Stand back, I can take this dress wearing sissy!

    Ash Anderson’s damage shield hit you for 1000 points of damage
    Ash Anderson hit you for 600 points of damage
    Ash Anderson hit you for 800 points of damage
    Ash Anderson’s damage shield hit you for 1000 points of damage

    Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: For the love of all that’s holy, not the jewels again!

    Ash Anderson hit you for 600 points of damage
    Ash Anderson hit you for 800 points of damage

    Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: ACK! You seem to like those!

    Ash Anderson’s damage shield hit you for 1000 points of damage

    Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: I’d like to have kids someday!

    Ash Anderson hit you for 600 points of damage
    Ash Anderson hit you for 800 points of damage

    Storm member ##3587675896754: JESUS MOCHAM CHRIST!! IT’S SUPERSLANG! You’re getting your ass kicked by Superslang! Throw money at him to distract him while we run away!

    Ash Andersen: Good. I trust you are ready then:

    Ash Anderson’s damage shield hit you for 1000 points of damage

    Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: NOT READY! NOT READYYYYY!!!!

    Ash Andersen: There are a bunch of mantises in the caves below the Smuggler's Den. It's our own fault, really, we created the problem, but we need someone to clear them out. It's not like we can call on the help of any official groups around here, so we have to trust this to anyone who's willing to go in and help us out.

    Ash Anderson hit you for 600 points of damage
    Ash Anderson hit you for 800 points of damage
    Ash Anderson’s damage shield hit you for 1000 points of damage

    Storm member ##3587675896754: WTF is this guy talking about? He’s kicking our asses and blabbering on about Mantises?

    Ash Anderson hit you for 800 points of damage
    Ash Anderson hit you for INSANE points of damage

    Storm member #56654g545643r(*^&4334343: HEAL ME! HEAL MEEEEEEEEE!

    Ash Andersen: Anything you find in there is yours for the taking. I imagine there's quite a bit of useful stuff down there. I appreciate any help you can give.

    Storm member ##3587675896754: Oh my god, he’s coming after ME now!

    Ash Andersen: Good. I trust you are ready then….
    Last edited by THEDEACON!; Mar 15th, 2003 at 00:26:55.
    Nanomage: The OTHER other white meat

  2. #2
    Meanwhile…….

    Thedeacon: I can’t wear this armor. I mean, I *would* wear it, seeing as I’ve given away every last material item I have to acquire it, but appently I’m not strong enough or agile enough? Well that’s a load of crap. I’m very strong and VERY agile.

    Belamorte (throwing Thedeacon a tennis ball): Catch, Deacon!

    The ball soars into the air, striking Thedeacon squarely in the forehead.

    Belamorte: Agile? Here, grab me my ball, butterfingers.

    Thedeacon (straining to lift the 6 ounce piece of rubber from the ground): MMmPh! So…HEAVY…

    Belamorte: Strong and agile. I see.

    Thedeacon: Not a word.

    Belamorte: Well how did you get your Waitt armor on?

    Thedeacon (looking smugly): It requires intelligence and psychic to wear and we nanomages have more smarts in our little finger than most people have in….TWO fingers!

    Belamorte: If only I had hands, I’d show you which finger….But what the hell kind of armor requires intelligence to wear? That makes like no sense.

    Thedeacon: There’s a lot of…um….complicated snaps and zippers….It’s really quite complicated you see…..Not very many people have the smarts to anticipate WHICH zipper to zip and which snap to snap. Now anyways, I need buffs to make me stronger and more agile.

    Belamorte: So what you’re telling me is that you need the help of other men to put your pants on?

    Thedeacon: Exactly.

    Belamorte: We could take a trip to the prison. I mean, there’s probably LOTS of guys willing to help you put on or take off your clothes there.

    Meanwhile……

    Ash Anderson: There are a bunch of mantises in the caves below the Smuggler's Den. It's our own fault, really, we created the problem, but we need someone to clear them out. It's not like we can call on the help of any official groups around here, so we have to trust this to anyone who's willing to go in and help us out.

    Den Veteran Smuggler (surverying the bodies of Stormers, smugglers, dogs, robots and probes and laying a hand on Ash Anderson’s shoulder): Er boss? They’re all dead. Let it go…

    Ash Anderson (looking at Den Veteran Smuggler with a renewed fury in his eyes): Good. I trust you are ready then:


    To be continued in part 3, entitled:

    [Size-94]WHEN ASH ANDERSONS ATTACK![/size]
    Nanomage: The OTHER other white meat

  3. #3
    Pure gold man...

    I cant wait to read the part where I come in, even though I know youre going to rip me every shred of decency off me (nekkid!) its still going to be funny as hell

  4. #4
    Heh.



    I need to save all these somewhere as "the real history of rubi-ka" or something =)

    - schma
    schma

    :: schma ran out of cookies on the 4th of march, 2003 ::
    :: Hitched a ride back with the aliens ::

  5. #5

  6. #6
    Great work as always, funny stuff.

    So when does the live action movie of your life on Rubi-Ka come out?

  7. #7
    great stuff
    "Everything that one thinks about a lot becomes problematic" - Nietzsche
    Zorf
    Member of CAS
    Vito's Personal Atrox Punching Bag
    Holder of Pie
    Weilder of the Horrid Mauser
    Desecrator of the Temple of Three Winds
    Fiqh
    Member of CAS

  8. #8
    to use one word-

    ROOFLES!
    ~~~~~
    Katelin "Missmaul" Locknane -Sloooowly climbing her way out of the dank pits of gimpness. But stil crazy. Ya know...just in case you cared.

  9. #9
    Hilarious as always.
    -Finalizer Vixentrox-
    Former President and Founder,
    -Whisper's Edge-
    Former Member of the Atlantean CoT Clerical Staff

    Socializer 73% Killer 53% Explorer 53% Achiever 20%

    Kissysuzuki -
    WTB small enough brain and lack of imagination to be able to sit and solo hecklers for 5 days straight.

  10. #10
    Thank you!

    Hehe, I know my writing skills are teh suck, but I'll be damned if this isn't alot of fun to write

    I'm just glad somebody reads em hehehe
    Nanomage: The OTHER other white meat

  11. #11
    Coleslaw anyone?
    General of Apocaylpse

    --The Council of Atroxes--
    Power to the Atrox!

  12. #12
    Originally posted by Umberdeath
    Coleslaw anyone?

    I love Coleslaw! Yummmm---hey wait.....this isn't HOMEMADE colseslaw is it?? um...ew.
    Nanomage: The OTHER other white meat

  13. #13
    U r0x0r D34c0/\/! U R TEH UB4R ST0RY M4|<34!

    Keep em coming, funny as hell

  14. #14
    Arr Ohh Efff Elll!!

    Part two is great! I really liked the flash forward part. *giggles*

    Keep up the story Deac, and I'll wave dainty feet at you.
    Fransisca "Mythia" McKesson
    Meta Punter Of Rubi Ka

  15. #15
    Bailey : sits down laughing and in her hysterics unstraps her strappy black high heels and claps her feet together ,possibly due to lack of oxygen to the brain from laughing so hard.

  16. #16
    Part 3 in the works any time soon?
    -Finalizer Vixentrox-
    Former President and Founder,
    -Whisper's Edge-
    Former Member of the Atlantean CoT Clerical Staff

    Socializer 73% Killer 53% Explorer 53% Achiever 20%

    Kissysuzuki -
    WTB small enough brain and lack of imagination to be able to sit and solo hecklers for 5 days straight.

  17. #17
    /me is waiting for part III

    /me is not patient...
    Best regards Juliet Poetica Capulet (female solitus trader lvl195 - poet by heart, Oh Romeo, - who need Romeo?) Applicant of Ancarim Iron Legion

    "What makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it hides a well." (Antoine de Saint-Exupéry)
    "Not all who wander are lost." (John Ronald Reuel Tolkien)
    "To Dare is to risk losing your foothold for a moment, Not to Dare is to risk losing yourself." (Søren Kierkegaard)

    Anaïs Manifestos Nin (female solitus mp lvl 171) Member of Ancarim Iron Legion
    Angel Heroess Heart (female solitus fixer lvl 102) Applicant of Ancarim Iron Legion
    Luna YangYing Lee (female solitus MA lvl 75) Unit Commander of Legionaries
    Meow Wyxxen Meow (female solitus doc lvl 74) Applicant of Legionaries
    Destiny ZorZereZ Decay (female nanomage nt lvl 57) Applicant of Legionaries
    Kittie DarkGodess Catt (female solitus soldier lvl 39) Applicant of Legionaries
    Modesty PlayGirl Blaise (female solitus engie lvl 19) Member of Legionaries

  18. #18
    Originally posted by THEDEACON!
    Thank you!

    Hehe, I know my writing skills are teh suck, but I'll be damned if this isn't alot of fun to write

    I'm just glad somebody reads em hehehe
    Whats wrong wit j00 writing skillz? heh.

    Well heh, i thought it was good. heh.

    I await the 3rd one hehe. (oooo plot twist! added a "e" )
    GalxandJoan "Toxinator" Rox :: 202 Doc
    He "Tearspoint" Totem :: 215 Nano Tech :: Equipment :: Perks
    General :: Band of Brothers :: Band of Brothers Forums

    Account Created
    2001-08-23 04:59:27

    Account Status:
    Open

  19. #19
    Hehe

    Or, to use Slaggie's words: "heh".

  20. #20
    heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh

    That was heh great.

    Benjamin "Fixerben" Bacarella - L212 AL10
    Haywood "Brawlking" Jablomy - L220 AL21

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