Do Fixers Dream of Electric Ghosts?...

[Demenzia]

((Naaahw... not completely the end... *curses at herself and at her own laziness*

Please, will you kick me in the arse so that I post the last little pieces of this?
Daaarn I lack time... so much...))

[____________Jon Grim]

JEN!

Cratty's heart stopped a moment. It WAS her. The comm signal was weak and distorted, but he could tell. BUt not only that. Even through the static mess, he could tell she was in a bad way. Her ppain appearently so great, it rode her voice over the signal, through the distortion.

THe soldier began to panic a moment, yelling into the comm, begging her location.

He stopped to compose himself for a moment. Panic is uncontrolled fear. Uncontrolled fear means failure. He would not hel Jen standing there shouting into a semi-active comm link as Jen lie....

He forced the thought from his mind.

"Reinforcements are to be left in reserve, called forward at a time that either maximises enemy attrition, or minimises friendly casualties...."

The training embedded in him so deep once more springing forward. Immeadiately he opend a com signal to SPARTA

"UHTTENTIUN ALL UHVAILUBLE SPARTANS! REQUESTIN UMMEADIATE BACK UP! OPERATIVE MARKARIAN LOCATED IHN THA GENRUL VACINITY! SPARTAN DOWN!" Cratty remained calm and professional, even though inside he was barely holding on. The woman he loved was out there, and he would be damned if heavan or hell would stop him from finding her.

"On my way, Little Bro!" It was the voice of Agent Chris "Jaggors" Arman. Chris was like a big brother to Cratty. When the soldier first applied to SPARTA, it was Chris that took him under his wing. Ever since then, Malcom had showed his admiration and respect by calling him "Big Bro"

"THank yew, Big Bro. Still trahin ta git uh tighter locatiun ohn tha signal. Culd ya stan by ihn Hope till ah fine out more?"

"YOu got it. And Bro......good job" Chris replied back.

"Aint foun hur yet...." Cratty mumbled over the comm. He then switched his attention back to keeoing Jen on the com. THe chances were low, given the weak signal, but the longer she stayed on ment more of a chance of signal triangulation.

"Jen...Darlin...Stay wuth muh. Hole ohn jus uh lil longir." he told her. "Jen, don let go. Ah love....." A burst of loud static cut him short.

"Jen.....Jen?" he called into the radio. He could here her trying to talk back, but he couldn't make out what she was saying.

"Zarhitel here, im on my way Malc! Im prepared with a warp nano to pull us out of there once you locate her." It was Operative Malik Ashwell. Nanotech genius. Cratty was relieved. He had reasoned that if Jen had been thusfar unable to grid thusfar, her nanosystems must be greatly traumatized. Ashwell was well versed on such technology. Complications would no doubt arise, and though he had no idea what they were, Ashwell would.

"Outstandin, wur gonna need uh hasty evac" Cratty responded.

"Trees....wall....don.....ere I....t. .alc......." Jen's voice cam over the com.

"Salaum!" He shoulded it had it be here. Had to be. Any other area in this abominal desert that had was was crawling with hostiles. He reasoned....he PRAYED it was here that she had made it to.

"SPARTANS UHSEMBLE UHMEEDIATLY AT SABALUM! JEN'S HERE!"

"EN route Malc" Malik responded

"Im comming Bro" Chris commed

Cratty began searching the area while he waited. Suddenly a trio of Mantis scouts we on him. THe soldier, fueled by so much raw emotion, slaughtered them with all the anger he had been holding in. Anger at Lillemjau, at Doncarnage, at Trelleme, at all those involved in taking away Jen, either directly or indirectly. He would make them all suffer, but for the moment these bugs would have to do.

"Jen, ahm close ta yew, Hon. Hang ohn, ah got help ohn tha way" he send over the com, not sure if she could here him even.

A yalm flew overhead. "Jaggors here, meet you at the main entrance?" the agent asked.

"Yew bet, ohn muh way" he said, trying to hold it in, the worry, the anticipation, the anger. it was so much to cope when the mind needed to stay sharp.

Seconds later anothe yalm was overhead. It was Ashwell. "Arrived at location, landing now"

THe three met up less than a minute later at the entrace.

"COme ohn, les go!" the soldier told them

"Whoa, there Bro, clam down," It was Chris grabbing hold of Cratty's tank armor, pulling him back. "Stop, breathe a second. Tell us the situation, we need to have an idea of whats going on and how to search."

Cratty nodded. His brother was right. Running off in confusion could possibly mean all of them dying. "course, yer raght. OK, les do it this way. Ahll three uh us, swang uhroun tha outtir puhrimeter uh tha city, reel fas. Les keep it tight, lotta mantis out taday."

The SPARTANS made there way quickly aroung the outter wall of the city. Almost as soon as they had began, a swarm af Mantis again attacked. Cratty was taken by suprise, being clubbed to the head by the blunt pincer joint of one of the bugs in a backward swing.

THe soldier was knocked to thground.Instantaneously, Chris and Malik attacked. Cratty pulled his self up to his knees, using the wall to help him up. He was trying desperately to hold on to consciousness, pain engulfing him in a wave of blackness. Something driping into his left eye, stinging. The swing must have knocked his helmet so hard, it banged his helmet againt his brow.

For a moment, it seemed he was going to pass out. But then she came back into his mind. THe vow he promised to her came back to his mind. With every once of will he had, he pushed the blackness from his eyes, shoved the pian away.

He was back, he looked up to see his friends being attacked. NO! THis was NOT acceptable. He grabbed his rifle up from the sand and opened fire at the reamind Mantis, yelling to draw their attention, casting nanoprograms that would pull the thing onto him.

Together they destroyed the attackers

"Jen almos, thur, almos got ya" he spoke into the com as the three hurried around and made there way back to the entrance.

"Feel s........ak. Hurt........in ta......ng on" Jen came back over the air

Cratty turned around to the SPARTANS. He was loosing his grip, trying hard not to let the panic and desperation tear away his sanity.

"Split up! Big Bro, yew take tha wes side, Malik, yew hed north. Comm ihn as soon as yall see hur. Sha's hurt bad ahn wur gonna need that evac ASAP"

They split up, all three hurrying to find Jen. Cratty knew they wanted to get her back as much as he did, he was just too personally involved to keep his emotions in check.

"Stay frosty, Kid. You loose control, you die. Dusters dont die. Got it, maggot?" It as the voice of his training sergant. As evil as he had been, he was right. THe closer he got to finding Jen, the more he let his mind loose control of the situation. Had this been a combat zone, he would have been dead.

Cratty came around the corner of a wall. Thats when he saw her. She was sitting agianst a corner. She was bleeding!
"Maggot, get ahold of yourself. Act like a soldier for Christsake."
He ran over to Jen

"Darlin, its ahlraght, wa got yew nah," he told her, Sitting her up. He pulled of his helmet, dropping it to the ground.
He smiled at her as he applied a medkit, despite being scared more than he had ever been in his life. Yelling coordinates into his comm, he told them he had her.

OH GOD! The kit wasnt working, Jen's wounds were not closing! DAMIT!

"HURRY UP, AH NEED UH HASTY EVAC NAH! MOVE IT!" he yelled to the others.

"Its ok Darlin," he told her as he held her in his arms, as she drifted in and out of consciousness. He smiled best he could to keep her calm. "Yer fine, Jen, yer gonna be jus fine." He wished he believed it, but he knew they had a life or death struggle on there hands, one where, seconds counted.

"HURRY THA F***, UP!" he shouted again into the comm.

"Jen," he whispered as he held her close,"Ah love yew Hon, please, please hang ihn jus uh lil bit longer......"

[Demenzia]

Call him...

As much as he hated admitting it, this simple sentence, these simple, short words, currently were the very motto that was keeping her alive. Alive, as she was stumbling in the sand at almost every step, babbling in her comm despite the crackles and regular static taking over the line, trying to keep the contact, for it was the only thing that would prevent her from fainting again. And the Soldier understood this; he talked to her; he made her talk; he needed her signal to locate her, even though the last attempt at triangulation had proved a failure, he needed her to stay conscious, to stay alive... to go on moving, at all costs, moving as the desert itself, moving with its pulse, with the night casting estranged shadows between the regular masses of rocks scattered between the dunes...

If she stopped moving, if she gave up to pain and exhaustion, she'd die, this time. Both men, the dead and the living one, were aware of this fact. He couldn't do much itself, struggling along his own way to maintain his own conscience back, after these terrifying days of slow, hurtful fading... yet he wouldn't stop encouraging her either. You can do it. You can do it, Jen. I'm with you. You can do it. You can...

He didn't know where 'Sabulum' exactly was, not without a map to help, but he remembered her having scouted the area more than once, though she had been flying at that time, and he thought he had spotted one of the particularly shaped rocks she had herself used to find her way back. He remembered, also, flying around the town, avoiding the few local patrollers, and the sudden sunset catching them unaware, magnifying in its pure glory, golden rays pouring over the whole desert, chiselling the town walls and small buildings in a set of dark, golden-rimmed shadows against the rising light. Such beauty when one was looking above... such ugliness when descending where these men were living. Ah, but Sabulum was a deserted town most of the time, anyways; it had been different, when himself had still been alive, yet at present, numerous, bloody fights had left it dried and almost completely dead. Nothing else than a ghost town, yet still something she could refer to.

"...Sabulum..." she was muttering, again, and again, her voice no more than a weak whisper now, yet she was stil walking, walking, walking, carried by his voice, by the Soldier's voice, and by the strengthened desire of staying alive. Walking, one step after the other, vision blurred by pain and fever, her crushed ribs making her suffer more and more with each passing minute, the hand clutched at her side stained with fresh blood again - but walking. "...Sabulum... need to go... to... Sabulum..."

And there was indeed a town in sight now, a town which dark shape against the moonlit sky could very well be Sabulum. Dangerous area, it was. Very dangerous. But they would be waiting there for her, they would be. He knew they would. There was in this man a strength, a willpower, a stubborness, even, that were challenged by his courage only; something that, in a way, made the both of them almost alike. They wouldn't let her down. They wouldn't let her die. Not this time, and not ever. Hold on, Jen. Hold on, love. We'll bring you back.

And then they were, all of a sudden - stumbling along the high walls, until she reached one of the entries of the city, unguarded now, stumbling in the dark alleys, under the acid rain that had now begun to fall. She was coughing blood now, broken ribs hurting her left lung badly, with just enough lucidity to realize she had to take shelter from the rain, for the rare drops of water falling from the desert's sky were know to be even worse than elsewhere. There she gave up, her legs giving way as she was reaching a rotten piece of cloth hanging above the door of an old abandoned shop; sliding against the wall, barely able to focus her eyes on what was around her, she simply stayed where she was, breathing in pain, trying to keep grasp of the faint hope and of Malcom's voice in the communicator.

Hold on, Jen... He's coming. Hear this? It must be him. Him, and his... and your friends. Hold on, dear... Gambatte o kudasai, Jen-chan... I don't want to lose you... Hold on... Hold on...

When she opened her eyes again, it was like the vision of a miracle. His arms around her frail shoulders, the concerned look on his face, the deep worry in his eyes, as he was wiping the blood from her mouth, careful not to hurt her, trying to do what he could with the nanokits he had brought with him. "...Use...less..., she managed to whisper, not completely realizing that it was true, that it wasn't a dream, that he would make sure she was to be safe now. "...Nano... system... down.... can't... work..."

Cratty, cursing between his teeth again, holding her even closer, calling to someone else in his comm... Fainting again, drifting between sleep and life. This strong desire... this strong need for sleep!... to lie down in the Soldier's arms, and give up all thoughts and pain... "Ah Jen, don't sleep hun!... Jen, hold on! Jen!..." His voice, seeming to come from further and further away now... shadows around her again, people running to her - other people, other voices, Chris?... Malik?... Their names drifting in her mind heavily clouded by pain and fever, again and again. Himself cursed at his own state, his own unability to take her between his arms too, to warm her up, to... Hold on, love. Hold on!...

"Jen... Ah love yew Hon, please, please hang ihn jus uh lil bit longer..." The Soldier again, his voice a plead, almost begging. Looking at him, listening to him, with an odd, unusual distanciation. Yes... Yes, Cratty... I know you love her. The way you're looking at her... This sound in your voice, this look in your eyes... I know. You'd do anything for her. And so would I. The both of us. I hate you, Cratty. I hate all that you represent. To her. But I love her. And I can't deny that you love her too. I have to... leave you this. You love her. So please... please... Save her. Bring her back home. Bring her far, far away from this awful place. Please...

The shock woke her up again, all of a sudden - the shock of nanobots tearing a way through her wounded body, as Malik Ashwell was computing the complex warping algorithm, and she let out a moan of pain. They couldn't know, of course, and she wasn't really able to tell them, but there it was - the pain, the sheer pain!... This terrible worry on Cratty's face, his trembling hand caressing her hair, wiping the sweat from her brow, squeezing her hand, holding her close, close, close, as if to never let her go again. He could feel the tension in her body, the overwhelming pain, the efforts she needed to make, simply to force a whisper out of her blood-stained lips. "...Malc... I... tried to... damn... damn Worms... whole hive... I..."

"Shhhh, hun. Don't speak. Don't speak..."

High trees were all around them now. High trees, dark blue sky, the feeling of soft grass against her hand, the sound of water. Rome. They were in Rome... So the warp had functioned as intended. Rome... More people running to them. Raquel, poor Raquel, the look on her face showing that she had surely been forced out of bed by the anguished voices in her comm - still tired, but with such a relief showing in her eyes!... Marvin Caris, quickly flying to them, landing almost without a sound near her - so kind, Mr Caris, so kind of you to come... Chris and Malik, again, their armors and coats half-covered in dust and sand. The boss himself, alerted over the department comm-channel, his frown at seeing her, his usual way of hiding his feelings, though they all knew he was relieved and worried as well at the same time...

All of them, all around her, leaving some room all of a sudden to two other people, unknown people, "Please, please, let the Docs do their jobs! She needs help!...". The boss' voice, stern and steady. Raquel's look, still stunned upon seeing Jen back and alive, even in such a bad condition. Malcom's anguished voice, explaining the best he could what he knew of the facts, how they had found her, that she had certainly been wounded by a Sandworm, that her whole nano-stystem was down and not accepting the medkits anymore. The look on the Doctor's face growing even more concerned, as he was examining her, field-dressing the wound the best he could before advising to carry her, with extreme caution, to a place where they could heal her better...

It was hard to think, to keep focused on their voices, on what they were saying, between their own anguish and the encouraging words they were telling her. She wanted to tell him, to let him know how awful it had been, how she was glad and happy and relieved to see him again, to let him know that she had been wrong, that lies were useless, that she loved him, but her attempt was cut as she was coughing blood again, weaker by the second. She tried to look at Malcom, to let her eyes carry her feelings, but she was so cold, so distressed, so unable to even raise her head, simply lying here, between his arms, unaware of the hard fabric of his armor, trying not to cry under the terrible assault of pain... That's true. She needs you all. All of you, all your feelings, all of this... making her stronger. She needs you... he was thinking, feeling that her weakness was to carry him away again. I have no other choice than leaving you this point, Cratty. Shikata ga nai. She's yours, and I won't deny it... But... But...

Darkness, enclosing them again...

"Jen... Jen! Jen, don't sleep! Stay awake! Stay..."

Darkness. Only darkness.

[_____________Kasimir]

[ooc note: I LOVE that Song Dem.."Voices" and Yoko Kanno kick much backside..OK gone!]

[Tussa]

She sat drowsily in her laboratory, not really paying attention to what she was doing. The lab equipment, tubes, scanners and blood samples were going through her hands without her paying much attention to it. A sharp pain in her palm woke her up, and she looked at the tiny drops of blood emerging from a cut.

“Blast it!” she muttered to herself. “You have to stop thinking about that woman. Remember what she did to you. To your love and to your friends.”

She tried to focus on the task at hand again. Bacteria cultures, DNA samples, muscular stims. There were so many things to do, and even if she had all the time she needed, she couldn’t concentrate at all. Her mind kept wandering back to that day in Tranquility. It seemed like so long ago. She shook her head, trying to get rid of the mind-eating thoughts. But they snuck back.

We should have watched the door more closely. Poor girl probably stranded in the desert somewhere. Hope she’s safe, and that the drug didn’t harm her. Hmm…maybe I should ask Schma to check up on her? Do a recon to see if she’s all right? No…can’t do that, she’ll think I’ve gone mad. I shouldn’t try teaching people a lesson any more. Seems I just end up hurting them. Why am I sad about this? She hurt me! She hurt my friends and family! I should hate her guts! So how come I’m not?

The doctor stood up abruptly, obviously annoyed. A glance on the table in front of her made her frown. So much work to do, so much time. And yet…no will to do it.

With a deep sigh she tapped her comlink and set it to her guilds channel. “Squad Commander Washko off to Perpetual Wastelands for scouting.” Her voice was hoarse, and she felt it took her several minutes to even utter the words.

She stepped outside, and her eyes narrowed from the strong light emerging from the twin suns. She took out her sunglasses and also checked her kit. “Ok...everything’s in place. It’s going to be a long day, Elicia” she said to herself before she entered her yalm and flew off.

[Fixerben]

/me wonders wtf this is all about...

/me wishes he had his poems off the Mockers forums...

[Demenzia]

Another kind of dream, maybe... one of these dreams that tend to begin as nightmares, and then suddenly turn out in a completely unexpected way. Well, it had been a nightmare, or at least looked at it... but they were aying it was over now. Actually - he was saying it was. Keeping on whispering to her ear, soothing words to make her feel at ease. His voice. She had missed his voice, so much... even when she couldn't remember, couldn't realize it. She had missed them both. Missed them all. Missed all of it, so much that it made her hurt even more now than she had before.

She opened her eyes, not able to recall how she had gotten in this room, but grasping a few words here and there, she managed to understand that they had carried her to the boss' appartment itself. All of this... jus' fer... someone like meh?... They were all keeping their voices low, trying not to get in the way of the docs, but he was still at her side, holding her hand, looking at her with so much concern, even though he tried to quickly hide it when he saw she was coming back to consciousness again. He was sitting at her side, and all the others were regularly casting her encouraging smiles and glances. Not as much hugging as in her dream, for they knew she was hurt and didn't dare touching her too much yet, but... feeling welcomed in such a way... such a way...

She felt like crying again, though out of happiness this time. Yes. Happiness. A word she had for long forgotten the true meaning. Thesense of belonging to them all, of having a place to come back, of finding friends waiting for her, no matter where she'd be going nor how much time she'd be away...

She gave them all a weak smile, trying to look as cheerful as one could be in such circumstances. And they smiled back, and he smiled back, squeezing her hand again. The Doc and his assistant were looking certainly as relieved as them all - or maybe was it that they had certainly seldom seen a case like hers, and that they were glad they could do something for her, although the reason didn't really matter. She was lying on a couch, comfortable despite being as spartan as the rest of the furniture in the room - damn, such a lame pun, but that was fitting the boss' personality so much!... Feeling a little better, despite her bandaged wounds still aching like hell and the headahces that wouldn't stop. All in all, the Docs had made a good job, although they were now telling her that she should better head for Omni-Med as soon as she'd be able to walk.

"How yew feelin' hun?" Malcom softly whispered, trying to hide the slightly sad expression of his smile. She caught an odd glimpse in Raquel's eye - in the boss' eye too, for that matter - and smiled too; oh yes, they were suspecting, or even knowing, and it didn't matter, didn't matter at all. Despite still feeling awful, she was at home, she was with her friends and colleagues, she was with the two men she loved. She was...

"...Family..." she whispered for herself, as if discovering for the first time what the true meaning of the word was. Family. The only ersatz of 'family' she had ever had had both been crushed, scattered, erased in the first years of her life. Mommy. Mommy, who was always hitting her for no reason, and she had killed her, but it had been an accident, she had never meant to, never... Heiji, the Heiji who was alive, whose hand she had been able to hold for a few days only before all of this went down too. Cyrus, so stern, so full of anger and fear, although truly loving her as well, Cyrus and even Maru-1, the odd Slayerdroid reminding her so much of the old days of her former existence... Cyrus, who had disappeared forever during this dreadful night in Clon****, most likely killed by a bomb or one of their terrifying perma-death weapons...

Family. O kaeri nasai, Jen-chan! You're home now. You're safe! We won't let you go again, never ever! Welcome back, Jen! Welcome... Family. The heady feeling of being loved, of knowing that there were people whose eyes she was important to, of coming back home after a long absence. How could she have forgotten all of this - worse, how came that she hadn't been able to realize it sooner?...

"...Maybe because of me...", Heiji softly admitted in the silence of their mind. "Maybe... maybe because we haven't much hope... Maybe because I didn't leave you much choice, and..."

Maybe... We're both... we're both such lamers when it comes to this, eh... Hei-kun...

The Doc was saying something else about pills she should take if the pain was too strong, but her eyes were focused on Malcom only. Malcom. The more she stayed with him, the more she realized that she could never be able to lie to herself again, nor to him. She loved him, yes - loved him so much that thinking back to the desert, to the terrifying loneliness, she thought she'd never be able to live without him, just as she couldn't live without Heiji. Both her lovers, in spite of the twisted edge of this situation - she didn't want to think of it, she didn't want to make them suffer anymore, but she simply couldn't lie to herself anymore, which meant that she couldn't lie to Heiji, and that he'd suffer from this as well, and...

Don't think of it! No... I... I'm glad... I'm back!... I dun wanna think of it! I jus'... jus' wanna... stay with 'em... stay with 'em all... forever... forever!...

"...Malc...?" she managed to smile in a whisper, and he nodded, caressing her hair again. Talking was still a little painful, and certainly he was noticing it to the only sound of her voice, for once again he told her to rest and not to worry. But it wasn't enough! She wanted to tell him of the loneliness, of the desert, of her broken memories, of Elm and Rickert and the Mole, of how they had rescued her, of the Worms again, of how frightened she had been, of Clon**** falling to ashes in her mind, of Heiji, to tell him all about him, how she had almost lost him, to let him know why she had at first refused to admit the love that existed between them, to tell him that...

"Dunt yew worry none, Jenae", he whispered again. "Jus' rest, hun. Jus' rest." The efforts she made to talk were making her cough again, and she realized he was right. Simply staying here, resting in his arms, knowing that her friends and family were there with her. She had killed her mother and lost Cyrus a second time, but Heiji was with her, and Malcom, and the SPARTAns, and... and in this very moment, she felt she was happier than she had ever been in her whole life.

"...I'm back... Malc..." she finally managed to whisper again, feeling that her smile was surely looking completely stupid and extatic - and not caring at all.

"Yeah. Yer right. Yer back!..."

Back at home. Back in her family. And nothing, not even all these awful memories plaguing her life, not even the dreams and the threats, would ever be able to erase this surprising and so soothing feeling of not being alone anymore.

[Demenzia]

Things're so odd sometimes. I dunno. It's like... like... like I'm losing myself, but not all the time. At some moments only, y'see? Looks like... heh... looks like I'm doin' somethin', and then suddenly I feel like I wasn't doin' it. Uhm, no - rather like if someone else was doin' it, an' I was jus' watchin'. From the outside. Y'see whadda mean?

Yes. I see.

...Naaah. Ya dun see. Ya think I'm mad or somethin', but I'm pretty sure ya dun understand. Why the hell ya can't tell meh what...what... what's happenin' to meh? I mean, yer the Doc, so ya should know, eh?

Miss Markarian, that's not as simple...

But ya think I'm mad. Not that it's gonna change a lot fer meh, actually. Ya jus' think it.

Calm down, calm down, Miss. Listen - you went through an especially traumatizing experience, both physically and mentally, and you and me know it. Here, take a look at this - the term as just finished analyzing it, see the pecuilar aspects of these two patterns on the upper curve? Previous exams show this very well. Maybe if we had found you in the beginning, I mean, after this first cranial trauma you suffered, sequels wouldn't have been so...

Friggin awful'?

...Ah, if you want, though I wouldn't put it this way. But the facts are here. You stayed in the desert for two weeks, without any appropriated medical care. Oh, I know, I know - these people helped you, so you said, but they're not Doctors, right? I'm sure they did their best, but you can't expect them to have done what you'd have need at that moment. You're not what I'd call mad, Miss Markarian, although if the symptoms persist more than a few weeks, then you should begin to worry.

For Grid's sake, we ain't at this point yet, Doc, so mehbe now ya could tell meh what I'm supposed to do to make it stop?...

Tell me -have you experienced these recognition problems again, Miss?

Ya mean, these folks greeting meh by my name, an' I can't tell who the crap they are?

Not only, I also mean what you first told me about. These feelings of... how did you call it?... jamais-vu as you told Dr Washer. You know, as odd as it can seem, we still have very little insight on this kind of symptoms; deja-vu is so commonly experienced, but these ones... We need to know the more we can about it.

...

Please, Miss. You have to tell me. This will stay as classified information anyways - just between you an me. I told you these symptoms are only truly worrying if they persist more than a few days, so you have to tell me. According to today's scan, your brain is still emitting way too many delta waves than should be normal, given that you aren't asleep, and I need to take note of everything, in order to see what we can do to improve your situation...

...Yeah, happened. Less often, but happened again.

Well, less often, you say? So it's already good news. I was fearing a strong persistance, but it appears that replacing your faulty head implant solved a certain amount of these problems, right? To tell the truth, I think you look way better than last week. You just need to sleep and eat a little more now.

... Say, Doc, when ya think I can go back ta work? I can Grid again, so fer meh it's all set, but Boss wants an official paper, y'see. Somethin' from Omni-Med.

That depends on you, Miss. Whether you feel strong enough to go back to your... offices. Aaaah, no, I don't know exactly what you're supposed to do, but you're from SPARTA, and that tells me enough. I'd advise you to rest for a few more days, and then come back here for a last serie of exams. Do we agree on this?

Haven't much choice, so... yeah, I s'pose so... *sighs*

Well, that will be all for today, Miss Markarian. Ah, please, send my regards to Mr Caris. It's been a whil I haven't had the pleasure of a chat with him. He has so interesting point ov views on many matters, I really miss our conversations.

Eh, s'kay, will do. Saa -bye, Doc. See ya next week.

Well goodbye, Miss Markarian.

[Demenzia]

It's hard to be dead. But now I think there are a few merits left in this state. After all... after all, if I was alive, would I be able to do all I'm able to do now? Dive deep-mind in the Grid... a complete immersion, an always complete Phasing, the kind of which not many people can achieve in their lives. The dangerous state, the one that would make me vulnerable to black I.C.E and to the various other counter-intrusion measures. However, to die, I first need to be alive, which isn't my case.

But there's Jen. We're sharing the same body, in a way, so I have to be careful. Careful not to hurt her... carful not to put her in situations from which she couldn't get out alone if I was to suddenly... lose my grip. Seizing her mind... yes... such a delightful feeling, in a way, because it makes me... feel alive again. Seize her body, rather. She agreed to, after all - part of her agreed to, this I can remember, even if it's not the... conscious part of her mind. Agreed to share it with me, in a deeper, more complete way than we did until now. Jen. Jen-chan. How I thank you for this, my love. You already know how I love you, but I want to do more for you. Help you. Stay with you in... another way too. Jen. My love. My satori. Yes. The satori you gave me, there, in the desert. This new sense of awareness, this new meaning you gave to my existence. We spend our shared life saving each other, it seems - you save my memory, and I save yours, and then your turn again, and...

It's an endless circle - something that suits me in a way, however. It helps me getting another insight of the situation, of what happens around us. My sight, your sight, our common understanding? Boku wa satoremash'ta. Kimi wa satoremash'ta. Watash'tachi yo... The both of us. The illumination, as they used to say in these times of old. Do you remember it? Or is this part of my memory only. I need you, Jen, as much as you need me, and I don't want to leave you to him. Never. Though I want you to be happy, so I think I... will make an effort. For you, Jenny. For you. Because... well, yes, you're my satori, after all. My light. My reason for still being here. I wanted to come back for Deannah, yet I now realize that if I agreed to stay, in the end... it was for you. To stay with you. To see you grow up. In the hope of, one day, be able to make you happy again. I've never wanted to kill you, though I knew it would kill your mind; but in the end, I'm glad... yes, glad you didn't end up being completely like Dee was. You deserved to stay yourself. And I love the woman you've become, Jen. This woman... I truly love her, in spite of all that can be said about us.

A slight, discrete chuckle. Almost wild. Almost... hysterical.

But you know, Jen... I'm sorry if I can't always... keep my promise. I know. I've promised you that I wouldn't seek revenge - but it's hard. It's hard to look at these faces, and forget what they did to you. It's hard to have you back, and to realize that despite your efforts, nothing will ever be like it was before. It's hard to feel your mind struggling against its own fall, against all that you're trying to hide to your new family. Jen, please. I'll do what I can to soothe your mind, but it's hard. The only thing I can do is love you, and try to free you a little, yet... I fear it's not enough. Jen... gambatte o kudasai... I don't want you to give up. We'll go through this together, and I promise I won't make you suffer, and try not to let my own feelings disturb you. It's just... really hard, you know.

Ah - of course, you know. How couldn't you, ne, Jen-chan?...

What they did to you. I just can't forget what they did to you. If in doing so they've destroyed your mind for good, then I'll never be able to forgive again. I'll go on feeding on my hate, if your mind isn't here anymore. In the meantime, I won't let you down. Believe me, Jen. I love you too much for that.

Don Matusz. I know you didn't want to be there. But I also know what your apologies are worth, and that's why I, personnally, can't really accept them. You felt bad about it; and this is guilt, only guilt - do you hear me? Guilt. But do you really care about how she is feeling? Or did you only apologize in order to free your mind and heart of this guilt that had seized you? Don... This I swear. If you do it again... omae o korosuzu!

Elicia. Elicia-nee-chan. I promised you I wouldn't forget, and this is a promise that is, unfortunately, very easy to keep. In a way, you're lucky that Jen herself isn't really for revenge - she's just too whimsical for this, I suppose. She can't focus very long on such feelings. But I... I am different. Feelings are all that I have left, and after so many years, they're what make me alive. So I'm going on hating you. I simply pray that my hate won't grow stronger than my promise to her. O nee-chan... this I swear. If you do it again... omae o korosuzu!

Sonny, Sonny Fadri, so unpleased to meet you dear Sonny!... Your gaze was cold and hard on her, and I'm pretty sure that you took way more pleasure than your Doctor friend in looking at what was done to her. Enjoying each minute, each second of her downfall, with a clinical sharp look, not even smiling. Enjoying? No, maybe not enjoying, rather like... taking notes for further reference. A scientist, no more than a scientist. If if it had been up to me only, I'd have killed myself rather than let you look at me this way any longer. But it wasn't me, I wanted to save her, and in any case, I decided long ago that seppuku wasn't my way. Both the nobility and the cowardice of the gesture aren't for someone like me anymore. You don't know who I am, Nano-Sorcerer, but I'm still watching, I've been watching all this time, and this I swear. If you do it again... omae o korosuzu!

Trellame. You who claim only to be busy with... you 'legitimate businessman' matters. I know who you are. I also know that you did it for money mainly, maybe also to help some of your fellow Clanners. There was no hate in your eyes when you took her, though I disliked your smile very much, yet I know you wouldn't feel guilty for this either. This I could see in your smile. I can't say that I hate you - who knows... maybe one day I could be in need of your services, aaaaah, what an irony!... and in a way, you remind me of Kinlay, also... But I can't either forgive you for having accepted this job. So I'm warning you, Mr Croteau... This I swear. If you do it again... omae o korosuzu!

Lupoh. Dear Lupoh, I can't tell much about you, now you're dead... or supposedly. I won't forget your clever ways, nor your reputation, nor this smile on your lips. Just another job for you, I know. You Mockers are always the same. I don't give a damn about your minions, the ones who were there with you and this boss of yours; only you and Trellame did matter on this day, altough, I admit, I wouldn't mind teaching young Xellina a little lesson - ah, but wait, this is a whole other story, and I don't have time to waste on her right now. My dear Lupoh, I still don't forget the way you threatened her, on this evening before... before it all happened. Were you trying to warn her of the trap? Surely I will never know, and I rather think you were simply... mocking her? Yes. Mocking. How this word suits you well. If you were still alive... if you still is... I'd kill you as well, I suppose. Korosu. Such a nice word, korosu.

Valaik. You're definitely a man I'll have to stay wary of. It's hard to lay hands on you, I admit, and you'd no doubt be clever enough to avoid me, even within the Grids, where I'm stronger than I've ever been. Alone, she surely couldn't do anything against you. And don't even think of sending us your little rat again, whether she acted on her own decision only or not. This I've promised her also, on this day I made sure she wouldn't be the only one to have a leash on Jen's friend anymore. But I'm pretty sure a woman like her couldn't make use of such a 'leash' without another help, and you might very well have been this help. Until I am convinced of the contrary... or do find a confirmation that my su****ions are true... this I promise, Clasen. If you do it again... omae o korosuzu!

A slow, dangerous grin in the darkness. It looks like her smile, a little, yet this smile is quite unusual on her lips. Used to be, at least. Maybe because it's not really her who is smiling in this moment. Maybe the most insane of the two isn't necessary the one who looks like it the most.

It's so hard. I feel like killing you all, all of you!... and maybe one day, she won't be strong enough anymore to prevent me from doing so... from breaking my promise. I so much need to get rid of this hatred, but not yet... I can't do it yet. I need to be strong for her, to support her mind the more I can, and these feelings... I need feelings to sustain me - wakarimasu ka? I need them! Not only love, but any other... vivid feeling. There's only one other person I can really hate, apart of you, yet if I hate him that much, it will make her so sad that I simply... can't. Not now. Not when she's balancing on the edge like she's been doing in the last weeks.

Thus... in the meantime... I'll go on hating you. Anyways... I prefer hating you than him, because he didn't harm her as you did.

He slowly stirrs in the darkness. Not his body, but this doesn't matter anymore - he's used to it now. Used to the shared state. Used to the... other life. New life. New way of being. Living people... do they realize how good it is to be alive? Do they realize how lucky they are? They think death is just another joke, now that the insurance system takes care of their minds if the body happens to perish. But he knows that it's only an illusion.

Shi wa yume. Inochi mo yume... An illusion, a dream, maybe? Life and death, intertwining as they always did - yet just another dream in the silence. He could kill people so easily. Make sure they would never come back. Of course, breaking the I.C.E and various securities wasn't as easy now as it had been at the time, but he could still do it. Even if it required days of work, or weeks, or... Still able to do it, yes. And he had been getting so talented at it... not only hacking insurance scans, but also able to modifiy them... playing with karyotypes analysis and DNA scans...

Teaching her to do it, as well. Someday... someday, she'd bet as talented as himself, no doubt. She was learning fast, and the memories of the time she was Deannah... Deannah's memory, rather... were strong in her, so strong.

But they've been trying to destroy your mind, Jen-chan!... They've been trying, and surely... surely some of them would do it again if they were given the chance... I won't let them tough you again - ever. I won't allow them to.

Shhhhh, Jen. I know. But you don't need to worry now. Rest, my love. Your mind needs to rest, I told you, and you're very much aware of this fact yourself. I will take care of your life in the meantime. And keep my promise, although I don't know how long I'll be able to do it. By the way... I have a few matters to attend; things to take care of as well. I hope you don't mind if I do it while you're sleeping. It's better for the both of us, I know how you hate it when I take upon you while you're not asleep.

Another smile, a nasty smile, as he slowly gets up from the chair, her body obeying him as if it was his own. Another chuckle, suddenly turning into a deep laughter, as Heiji leaves the room, the door silently closing on her slender silhouette.

Rest, love.
I'm taking care of it all now.

[Poetica]

I dream therefore I am